Thursday, July 4, 2013

Independence Day, Judgment Day, and Jerks You'll Meet in Heaven aka Perks of Being a Leftover

If being a leftover after Judgment Day is anything like being in the city during a holiday, I'm totally OK with that fate.

While knocking about town on a holiday like Independence Day, I will feel pangs of jealousy when I think of folks at the river, the mountains, the shore, the coast, etc., but mostly I love the short lines, ample parking and lack of foot traffic.

I've experienced quite a few cities emptied out for one holiday or another, and that's when I like them best.  There's a certain kind of camaraderie among everyone who didn't get out.  We get to reap the benefits of the various advances of the last 30 years, without having to tolerate the increased population of jerks.

I imagine it'll be similar after I'm dead.  Jerks of one strain or another will get into heaven, and though I'll be sad I didn't make the cut, I'll be relieved that I won't have to make small talk with any of 'em.

The thing about heaven is, people talk like you'll be recognized for who you are and you'll get to hang out with, say, Winston Churchill or Charlie Chaplin...  Um, I guess most people don't think of those two, maybe more like Bob Marley or John Lennon?  Cripes, I dunno, but that's not the point.  The point is whoever you think you'll meet in heaven, you won't.  You didn't here, and you won't there.  The same shit that happened here will happen there.

It's a numbers game, really.  The size of our living population is so much smaller than our dead population,  and yet I have never even gotten a so much as a glimpse of a classically significant individual while alive.  The odds will be worse when dead.   

And this "classically significant" I'm talking about isn't the same as the whole we're all significant as the star of our own movie.  I still think each of you is a special, unique little snowflake.  Honest.  All I'm saying is that heaven isn't thick with Frank Sinatra's.  He is as in-demand there as he was here.  And your circle there will be as far from his there, as your circle was from the Rat Pack, et. al. here.  As it was in the beginning, so it will be in the end.  

Or something like that.

And seeing loved ones and pets again?  Nice thought, but all of your pet cats hanging out with all of your pet dogs?  Think about it.  And, can you imagine generation upon generation of familial dysfunction sharing the same space and time?  There isn't a TV big enough to get my currently existing bloodline to shut up and get through a 22 minute rerun in peace, heaven with all of 'em?  Ugh.

Heaven?  You can have it.

Holidays away from the city?  If you can swing it, go for it.  Please.

Yeah, I know there are a ton of holes in this post and I didn't fully flesh out the parallels, but...  I'm done anyway.