Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Ass in the Wind-sday

I just got home to discover something horrifying; the jeans I wore today have a gigantic tear in the ass.

The entire ass seam, ripped wide open.

I don't know when the tear occurred.  I've been rethinking the day and...  It's big enough that I would have seen it when I put my jeans on this morning.  Even at my most sleepy, I would have noticed.  Plus, it was chilly this morning so I think I would have felt a breeze.

Yep, you read that right, the cherry on top of this mortifying sundae is I chose to not wear underwear today.

I don't recall hearing anything tear at any point.  And, before you joke, I've actually been losing weight lately, so it's not like I was super stressing the seams.

Here's a laundry list of thoughts pinging through my head right now:

  • Gasp.
  • Ugh.
  • Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
  • Really?  No one told me?  I mean, it would be awkward & delicate to tell someone about visible cheek, but you should do it.  Especially if it's someone you know and they're Mr. Magoo-ing their way toward breaking public decency laws.  As a nation, there's not much we agree on right now, but we can agree on that I'd think.  
  • Well, my game of low-maintenance limbo was always leading right here.  
  • Why was it that I started playing low-maintenance limbo, anyway?  Oh yeah, to be ugly and invisible.  To lay low until...  I'm not quite sure when.
  • Gasp.
  • Cringe.
  • Fuuuuuuuuuck.
  • I was wearing Birkenstocks today, perhaps people thought I was making a retro Summer of Love sort of a statement.
  • I am a middle aged lady, perhaps no one looks at my ass so no one saw it.  Strike that, let's make it affirmative:  No one looks at my ass.
  • Can we all go back to Eclipse Monday so I can be in awe of a different moon?
  • Oh, gawd, I went to coffee with my boss and he insisted on getting my coffee at the counter...  I thought it was because of my sprained ankle.  Oh gawd, the poor guy probably didn't want to have to tell me. 
  • Even if he didn't want to tell me, how in the hell did he not report me to HR and/or fire me.
  • I have a stay-cation next week; I had been planning a week of day-trips and writing and twice daily yoga and a massage and...  those plans have just been shredded, just like the ass seam in my jeans...  My staycation will be spent buying new clothes.  New clothes with strong seams.
  • And maybe some hair product.
  • And maybe some under eye concealer.
  • Sonofa...  I know better.  I used to be so. high. maintenance.  But then I got tired of it.  And didn't like what people projected onto me.  And so I made myself invisible, so nothing could be projected on me.  But this?  This is a bridge too far, I am no longer invisible.  I am exposed. 
  • G'ah!!!!!!
  • Fuuuuuuuck. 
Note:  This is not a polished post (obviously).  This is a:  I have talked to dear & trusted friends but I'm still gobsmacked at myself, and need to tell the whole world that if anyone saw my pale, middle-aged ass today, I'M SORRY!!!  You won't ever see it again because I am going to revert to my high-maintenance clothes-horse ways ASAP; BUT if you ever see any part of me that maybe you're feeling like you maybe shouldn't be seeing, PLEASE TELL ME!  We'll have a good laugh at my expense.  Eventually.

Also:  I may come back to finesse this post, but I promise to not eliminate any embarrassing details.

Finally:  I do have a photo of the tear, but I seriously can't bring myself to post it right now.  It's such a huge tear, you'll think I'm seriously the dumbest person in the world.  If you don't already.  Eitehr that or you'll think I have a serious medical sensory problem in my hiney region; I seriously do not know how I didn't feel...  oh, gawd.  Suffice to say, only a very limited audience gets to see that photo and see how truly...  ughhhhh.
  • Seriously.  Fuuuuuuuck.  
  • This embarrassment...  Hooo-doggie. 
  • I think, appearance-wise, I have hit bottom.
  • Fuuuuuck.
Now I'm off to trash all questionable clothing items.  Like, right now.  All the things my former high maintenance, clothes-horse self wouldn't have ever even worn to wash a car?  Out.  It's all leaving my home.  Tonight.  

Replacement goods...  Reinforcements...  Will start arriving tomorrow. 

Future viewings of my ass (and all bathing suit areas) will be by invitation only.  Gawd as my witness.